Daughters and Fathers

Having children is a wonderful thing. Of course, as parents, we should neither favor one gender over the other nor discriminate between them. However, since they are created differently, we need to apply a process of development, training, and moral education that considers this difference. Parents should also develop attitudes appropriate to the different natures of their daughters and sons as well as taking into account the different natural needs of both genders.

Ignoring the innate, fundamental differences between children’s genders can cause irreparable mistakes and lead to challenges that may prove exceedingly difficult to navigate in the future. When a parent’s subconscious tendencies and discriminatory fixations, fueled by cultural conditioning, are attempted to be imprinted onto children, this throws a wrench in a child’s identity development process and creates inextricable complications.

Neither absolute equality nor discrimination

In conclusion, we can declare that the absurdity of the ‘absolute egalitarian behavior’ between genders must be dashed into a ditch and forgotten and that our daughters and sons should be treated according to their genders and appropriate identity needs. Let the proponents of “modern” ramblings about gender equality take whatever politically correct approach they want to tout. If we do not wish to see grave mistakes perpetrated in the name of “modern parenting” and have these subversive ideals that are a radical departure from Islamic norms wreak havoc on our children’s psychological landscape, we must take this into account while raising our children during the early stages of their lives.

Just as it is hard for a parent to perform the roles of both mother and father simultaneously—even in cases of necessity—‘genderless’ approaches are just as confusing for a child during their development of social identity and sense of self. A significant part of learning takes place through “imitation and identification.” And we, the parents, aunts, and uncles who love their sons and daughters, nieces and nephews! Have we given enough thought to how profoundly our actions and behaviors are highlighted in their minds, what kind of role models we are for them, or what our place and value are in their eyes?

As a two-piece article series, we will address the question of ‘how and to what extent we should allow for the fundamental gender-based differences in children’s education.’ Firstly, starting with girls, it is necessary to remark on the basic mistakes parents make, especially those that appear as natural and even unconscious behavior and completely slip under their radar.

To be born as a girl

In addition to inherent gender differences, baby girls and boys have developmental differences in growth measurement, such as body weight and height. This can be observed in baby growth charts hung on the walls of hospitals and doctors’ offices.

Children become aware of their own gender and the differences they have with the opposite sex around the age of three. Even though a girl is called “my daughter/girl” by everyone, she will only come to notice the difference between being a girl and being a boy around this age. It is around this time that she will feel joy and relief with the realization that she will not have prickly thorns on her face like her much-loved father when she grows up.

In the traditional upbringing approach, when the elementary gender-based differences are imprinted onto children as a deficiency or disadvantage for women, almost as a way of imparting a sense of inferiority, it is during those years when the first building blocks of a negative self-image are laid down. Unfortunately, there are many communities, large populations, and entire countries across the world where this approach, which has no basis in Islam, is widely adopted.

During the preschool period, between the ages of 3-6, girls and boys start to play mixed games together. Children’s preferences for choosing same-sex playmates become more prominent at school age. However, this should not be interpreted as a tendency to limit interactions exclusively to their own gender. For instance, as they progress further down the period widely known as the school age, “playing house” does not occur as often, and games that involve higher levels of physical activity become the more commonly preferred form of social interaction and entertainment. 

Thinking that there is no personality problem in a girl who always plays, runs, and competes with boys instead of girls can engender misleading preconceptions in her parents and family members about her perception of her own gender identity and those of others in general. At the very least, she may bear traces of dissatisfaction with her own gender or feel encouraged to be more like the opposite sex. If this complexity is not treated, she can neither develop a healthy psychological mindset to lead a happy life herself nor make anyone else happy; there are many factors based on gender in the phenomenon of “self-confidence.”

Before puberty, physical differences between genders begin to become more evident. At this age, in comparison to boys, girls are more eager to grow up. At the psychological basis of this eagerness is the possibility that a daughter may not have been cared for enough as a girl, so she hopes she will be afforded this status when she grows up. It could also be that the fulfillment of her many wishes was postponed till then.

One Step Ahead

There are studies revealing that girls are more perseverant at school age and more successful than boys in verbal areas. Of course, this does not mean that girls are unsuccessful in areas and disciplines related to STEM (Science - Technology - Engineering - Mathematics) studies. Talkativeness and sensitivity are typical characteristics of girls in this age group. As a distinguishing feature not observed in boys, most girls develop “pink paper” hobbies such as keeping journals and diaries and reading or writing poem books. By doing so, they open up their world to themselves and use these entries as a mode of self-reflection. These books can only be read by their close confidants, if at all. Attempts to read their private deliberations and memories by family members are viewed as thoroughly exasperating at best, and considered a grave offense at worst in most situations.

Girls can easily memorize poems, tongue twisters, and lyrics. Besides, during infancy, they are already one step ahead of boys in the beginning stages of acquiring verbal skills. That’s part of the reason why telling girls to be quiet is the same as telling boys to behave themselves and keeping them in line. Some girls are so talkative that, while their conversations can seem endearing at first, they can get wearying and feel grating to the ear after a while. Girls’ choice of socially-intensive occupations over others is also rooted in their strong verbal dispositions.

Despite the differences in rural and urban areas, girls reach puberty about two years earlier than boys. The pre-puberty period, the preparation phase for puberty, is shorter with girls. They hit their growth spurts much sooner and at a much quicker pace.

This age range for girls starts from their 5th-6th years in school. Even though internalizing an identity suitable for her developing body requires effort, it does not take too much time. However, the situation is different regarding the levels of psychological maturity. Although her body looks like an adult’s, she goes on playing childish games for two or three more years. Dressing up and trying on ornaments and accessories are also some of the basic developmental phenomena of this stage.

While raising a girl, and subsequently a young lady, as a mentally and physically healthy individual, parents’ approaches should differ according to their individual nature. If a family does not comply with this rule, they cannot be successful in raising their daughters. The problem runs deeper than is obvious at first glance if there is a conflict or ambiguity of roles among the family members, which is more common in working couples.

Daughters are fond of their fathers

There is a solid and undeniable emotional bond between most daughters and their fathers. In cultures with traditions that have daughters take a backseat to sons in a family, girls’ interests and efforts to get closer to their fathers are unfortunately either ignored or met with rebuffing. In societies that embody such traditions, even some fathers in educated families refrain from showing love and affection to their daughters. Convincing themselves that they love their daughters inwardly, they avoid bonding with them. Whatever their feelings may be, they cannot justify neglecting their daughters’ emotional needs, as the first and healthiest gateway to a man’s world, which will be incredibly important for a girl’s life, is through her father.

Little daughters usually want to endear themselves to their fathers more. They are also more easily offended by their fathers’ words, or lack thereof, and are more deeply influenced by their fathers’ discipline. They try hard to ingratiate and endear themselves to their fathers and want to feel appreciated and cared for by them.

In many houses in the evening, daughters keep their ears open and are particularly alert for the sound of the doorbell when the time nears for their fathers to return home. As soon as it rings, the daughter runs to the door before her mother. She wants to look at what her father has brought before her mother can even get a chance to greet him. If the father does not meet this childish excitement with at least a small token, a gesture of consideration towards his daughter, the definition and image of “man” symbolized by the personality of her father is outlined as “defective,” “uncaring,” or even “unloving” in the daughter's mind. What a deplorable example of man is depicted by a father who eats dinner in a hurry after coming home and then is lost in his phone or tablet, or glued to the screen in front of his favorite TV shows despite being missed all day! Maybe the first seeds of prejudice or even misandry are spread by those fathers who are uninterested, detached, and insensitive towards their daughters’ feelings. Yet daughters do not give up easily; they try to get help from their fathers to fix their dolls’ legs and attempt to elicit some form of appreciation from their fathers by serving them tea. If they fail to achieve the desired level of interaction with positive behavior, they resort to every attention-grabbing trick in the book at the cost of being scolded. If a dad only cares for his daughter when she is ill, what could be more natural than daughters having a loss of appetite, being cranky, and getting ill often?

A good father, a good model

A father who is conscious of his role and duties accepts his daughter’s playful treats as a respectable dining guest does, play-eats them with gusto, and appreciates her imaginary cooking. This and many other adorable examples of daughters trying to draw their parents into their games show that they sometimes want to share their feelings, joy, and excitement with their loved ones by playing games with them. Since they desire our interaction, they invite us to their games even when we are not particularly eager.

All those efforts are for a warm relationship. Our Prophet says in a hadith, “Love your sons, because daughters endear themselves.” This sound advice is not offered without good reason. If the mother is observant enough, she keeps a cautious distance from her husband so as not to divert attention away from the father while their daughter is trying to attract his attention by playing games with him. A good father is a good model; a girl loving her father also learns to love her husband in the future. Girls cannot learn to trust men in a house where the father is not respected.

With this awareness, mothers should be supportive and adopt the role of a provider of guidance in the communications and interactions between their daughters and husbands. Of course, this assessment refers to communication at early ages. Love and respect between fathers and daughters are perpetual, but as the child’s age progresses, the role of confidant will become almost exclusively reserved for the mother.

Search for love and mirages

It is worth noting that, almost daily, young girls run away from their homes, leaving both themselves and their families wrecked, as we frequently witness in the media. Of course, this issue has many social aspects, such as toxic friendships and negative influences, among others. Yet, if this explanation were enough of a reason, every girl exposed to these elements would abandon her home. However, aren’t there many young girls with both feet firmly on the ground despite all these external factors? Thank Allah, many girls have an unshakeable sense of home, family, and belonging. As suggested in the books, television programs, and websites advocating healthy family relations, being a tight-knit family and having strong communication between parents and children are essential. When the lives of women who leave their family homes or husbands with irrational excuses are analyzed, broken or dysfunctional family structures, and deprivation from a father figure or from the affection of one are often found to be the basis. As they state, this adventure of leaving home is nothing but a search for love. Of course, they cannot find love through these reckless adventures, but they cannot get out of this swamp either, as these are all diversions from the real problem and can in no way serve as a way out.

Age-appropriate level of attention

What is asked of fathers is not an overwhelming shower of attention. An overdose of affection is just as harmful as starvation of it. Although it is impossible to assign grades and degrees to feelings, your daughter may not take you seriously if your exaggerated love translates into excessive indulgence and unmitigated leniency to her freewheeling and spoiled attitude; this might lead to your criticisms falling on deaf ears when needed to moderate her behavior. Sometimes, she may be so attached to her father that she cannot manage to make room for another man in her life or love her husband. She may not want to get married, or she may make up excuses with the motivation of finding a husband resembling her father.

It is good to emphasize again that friendship must be permanent, and the father must gradually begin to withdraw himself from the young girl’s world starting from puberty. He must continue to take care of her non-intrusively but with a vigilant eye from afar.

It is as tricky as governing a country for fathers with more than one daughter close to each other in age to properly fulfill such a sensitive duty. How happy is the father who can be loving and caring to his daughters, who are always jealous of and telling on each other and who have intricate needs!

Even the acceptance of your gifts in such a multi-faceted environment depends on the reaction of the others, not on the daughter you are giving the gift to. Many people admit that the last-born children are luckier in terms of paternal love. The firstborns usually get the short end of the stick due to the parents’ inexperience! The parents do not know how to deal with the responsibility of a child and are stricter and less emotional with them despite loving them. As years go by, their point of view changes, their hearts soften, and they care about their daughter's love more. Maybe this is because the love of a wife shifts from a more spouse-focused perspective in the initial stages of marriage towards respectful, affectionate feelings for her husband with the larger reserves of her heart’s tenderness committed to a deeper, loving, and cherishing relationship with her daughter. And when it comes to the grandchildren, love has no limits…

To sum it up, girls and boys are inherently different. This difference needs to be taken into consideration when raising children, yet there must not be discrimination. A daughter’s attachment to her father should be responded to properly by him. This is because the father is the ideal image of a man for a daughter and this image has a decisive effect on her character and life choices in the future.

We will deal with daughters and mothers in our next article, inshallah.

Ayşe İzci