The Boy Who Stoned The Date Tree

It goes against the grain of the Islamic way of thought to consider a child innocent in the sight of Allah, someone who has no sins written in their book of deeds, to have committed a major crime and impose punishments contrary to the nature of childhood.

Rafi bin Amr al-Ghifari (radiyallahu anh), one of the Noble Companions, narrates:

“When I was still a child, I stoned the date trees of one of the Ansar. Thereupon, they caught me and took me to the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam). He asked me:

‘My dear child, why are you stoning the tree?’

‘I am eating the dates I dropped,’ I said, to which the Messenger of Allah responded: 

‘Don't stone the tree; eat from what has fallen on the ground.’ Then he patted my head and prayed, ‘O Allah, feed this child.’"

(Abu Dawud, Jihad, 85; Ibn Majah, Tijarah, 67)

The Prophetic Attitude Towards Children

This hadith, which contains many principles regarding our communication with and attitude towards children, serves as a vital guideline for us. Upon studying itclosely, we see that the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) taught us five methods regarding this topic:

• First of all, when our Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) talked to a child who had made a mistake, he addressed him as “My dear child” with a merciful tone.

• Then, he learned the child’s purpose for his actions by asking why he did what he did.

• He showed an alternative way to the child, who said, “I am eating the dates,” and thus clarified that the purpose behind his actions was to satiate his hunger. 

• He caressed the child’s hair with tenderness and consoled him.

• Then he made dua to Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) for him.

Let us examine the exemplary behavior of our Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) from several viewpoints and briefly explain how he provided kind and gentle yet corrective guidance to a child who misbehaved: 

Firstly, using heartfelt addresses such as “my dear child,” instead of being harsh to a child who misbehaves, prevents children from seeing adults as distant, intimidating, or overbearing, increasing their trust in them. Today, pedagogues state that a frightening, repressive, or punitive style in child education is wrong and can even lead to the opposite of a desired result.

It should be remembered that the Quran mentions the prophets using compassionate tones when addressing their children. For example, they would call to them using endearments such as "my dear child" or "my dear son." This prophetic language is a form of address that Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) frequently used with children. The manner in which he chose to interact with others reveals not only the words he used but also his "communication method" in modern terms.

Surely, this way of addressing and communicating is one we should emulate when talking to our children, whether we’re trying to teach or warn them.

Secondly, asking a child who makes a mistake about their reasons and listening to them to learn the thought process behind their actions is critical in the continuation of healthy communication with them. It is necessary to give children the opportunity to express themselves. One of the biggest mistakes parents and educators make today is scolding and punishing children without giving them this opportunity. As a result of this maladroit approach out of touch with child psychology, an insecure, suppressed, and problematic personality can form within a child. We know this from experience and pedagogues who have repeatedly hammered this point home.

On the other hand, it goes against the grain of the Islamic way of thought to consider a child innocent in the sight of Allah, someone who has no sins written in their book of deeds, to have committed a major crime and impose punishments contrary to the nature of childhood.

Of course, this is not to say we should leave our children to their own devices and let them make all their decisions of their own accord without parental guidance. However, the tactful and balanced method of making them adopt the truth and engendering the formation of a positive personality in them is not to punish them or suppress them by judging them harshly but to set the right example in front of our children and make them feel valued.

Thirdly, while telling them what is wrong, it is also necessary to show a child the right course of action. This is precisely what the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) pointed out with the phrase, “Eat from what has fallen on the ground.”

At home, at school, or outdoors, it's easy to tell them, "Don't do this, don't touch that,” et cetera. But the fact is, children will do anything to keep themselves occupied or entertained, touching and playing with things that might upset adults in the process. If the child’s behavior is wrong, we should ask ourselves: What is an alternative activity they can engage in that is suitable for their nature? At this point, it is the parent's duty to produce solutions and remedies that will result in positive reinforcement for the child. We need to prepare suitable environments for them, offer choices, and make the necessary means available to them in this regard.

In addition, telling a child he will not be punished if he confesses and then punishing him anyway is one of today’s most commonly made mistakes. This attitude will both undermine a child's trust and lead them to develop a lying and cheating character.

Fourth, there are lessons we can learn from the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) stroking the head of a child who misbehaved while they are telling the reason for their misbehavior. To a child, adults are big, strong, and sometimes intimidating in demeanor, tone of voice, or appearance. A tender touch to a child, stroking his hair as our Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) did, reassures and comforts them, making them open to guidance.

After having told them what to do, showing your love to a child who has made a mistake conveys the message, "If you do this from now on, I'll have your back. I will stand by you as long as you are on your best behavior." This effective method of applying positive reinforcement encourages them to do the right thing.

Fifth, making dua for children is a duty that adults should never neglect. Making dua for children will expand the heart of the praying person, relieve them of their anger if they harbor any, and will be a means of mercy for the child. The dua of parents is especially important and said to be worthy of being accepted in hadiths.

What we can do is limited, even for our own children. After we have done our due diligence in teaching them the right way, we must make dua, putting our trust in Allah and beseeching Him to protect and guide our children, and cultivate a healthy, honest, and dutiful personality in them. The dua of the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) to this boy is a prayer that means: "O Lord! Feed him and prevent him from making these mistakes."

If Only We Understood Him

In summary,  if only we could understand the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) and take him as an example, we would not be experiencing many of the problems we have with our children today.

He stated, "I was sent as a teacher" (Ibn Majah, Muqaddimah, 17). Both Allah Almighty and all the believers present in the farewell pilgrimage witnessed that he did his duty perfectly. Even so, we failed to become good followers who learned, taught, and applied his teachings as warranted.

The most correct of words is the word of Allah (jalla jalaluhu). He states:

“(...) Whatever the Messenger gives you, take it. And whatever he forbids you from, leave it. And fear Allah. Surely Allah is severe in punishment.” (Al-Hashr, 7)

“Say, (O Prophet), “If you sincerely love Allah, then follow me; Allah will love you and forgive your sins. For Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Ali Imran, 31)

Therefore, it is imperative that we repent for our past mistakes, wholeheartedly embrace the teachings of our Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam), and decisively embark on a transformative journey to align our lives accordingly. Time waits for no one, and as our children reach adolescence and adulthood, our responsibility to be a decent example for them and guide them in line with the prophetic teachings presses on.

Abdullah Suat Demirtaş