The Ideals of the Ideal Family

Families becoming fractured and dysfunctional is a major issue facing society today, with marriages failing and children being deprived of parental support and guidance from one or both of their parents. Illegitimate relationships and isolated lives are on the rise, and experts are proposing various solutions and models for the ideal family. However, the truth is that each and every one of us needs a model for a healthy family, as we all play a part in creating and maintaining it.

The family is a sanctuary where we find comfort and security, and it is crucial that we protect it. The well-being of society is closely linked to that of the family, and any disturbance within one will have ripple effects throughout society. Therefore, both men and women have a significant responsibility in ensuring the success and prosperity of their families and future generations. Their actions echo in their descendants either as positive reformation or as degeneration. As stated in the hadith, every child is born with an inherent Islamic nature, and it is the responsibility of parents to maintain this nature and guide their children towards the right path.

It is worth noting that children are naturally pure and inclined towards Islam, but their upbringing, environment, education, and society all have an impact on their personality and beliefs. As such, parents have a crucial role in providing a good environment for their children to grow up in.

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) emphasized the importance of everyone's responsibility as a "shepherd" for those under their care. "You are all shepherds (in a way), and you are all responsible for those under your hands. The head of state is the shepherd of those under his command and is responsible for them. The man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for those under his care. The woman is the shepherd of her husband's household and is responsible for it..."

Houses of Worship

For Muslims, the main concern regarding their family is making their home a peaceful place. It should be a house of serenity, worship, and obedience and a place for remembrance and reflection.

In the Holy Qur'an, it is mentioned that Musa and his brother Harun (alayhima assalam) were instructed to build houses for the Israelites in Egypt where they could worship:

"And We revealed to Musa and his brother: “Have houses for your people in Egypt and make your houses (facing the qiblah) and establish prayer and give good tidings to the believers.” (Yunus, 87)

Allah the Exalted commanded the believers to own houses and turn them into places of worship dedicated to Him. It is incumbent upon us to lead an Islam-centric life in these houses for our families to attune their lifestyle to one of worship and acclimatize themselves with the requirements of living in obedience to Allah the Most High.

The modern family structure is primarily "economy and pleasure-oriented." It is crucial we shift towards a worship-oriented family understanding to escape the detrimental influence of the predominantly materialistic culture of today. This way, we can live a life in line with the commands and recommendations of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) and His Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam).

Only as a result of this intention and effort will our family members turn firmly towards the qibla, follow only His way and seek only His pleasure. Without determination and steadfastness, it is impossible to turn our homes into masjids as stated in the verse.

The believers who make their homes into such houses of worship where they pour their hearts, minds, and souls into obeying, worshipping, remembering, and praising Allah (jalla jalaluhu) have been given glad tidings.

Dreaming of the Ideal Family

One of the major issues of today's society is the family. Divorces and neglectful parenting have led to a rise in loneliness and illegitimate relationships. Experts suggest solutions, and supposedly ideal family models are portrayed through TV series, social media, movies, and advertisements. However, reality presents a different story that is often diametrically opposed to the misleading norms and rationales that mainstream media and internet platforms dedicate significant coverage to promote as part of a grand social engineering project.

What is needed is a practical and attainable family model that preserves and advocates the restoration of Islamic family norms and traditions, which are naturally easy to idealize and identify with and are applicable to everyone. Doing so is crucial to secure a stabilized family structure across every level of society and will help Muslims retain their resilience in the face of the inconspicuous attempts to introduce harmful elements into the social DNA of their families.

Where Do We Start?

Who should we look up to in order to find happiness in our family life and have a home where love and compassion are the primary building blocks for every human interaction? Where should we search for a successful model that promotes and promises peace and contentment? 

We must first acknowledge that we are Muslims and follow in the footsteps of our beloved Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam). Allah the Most High has placed him as a guide and paragon for us to follow:

“There is indeed a good model for you in the Messenger of Allah for the one who has hope in Allah and the Hereafter, and remembers Allah profusely.” (Al-Ahzab, 21)

The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) was elevated by Allah to possess the best manners and the most remarkable character. He was sent to humanity as a role model, and we must strive to follow his teachings and practices.

Of course, it is optional to accept the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) as a guide, but we must realize that the path to eternal happiness and reunion with Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) can only be walked by following him. Moreover, we need to have a heart that constantly remembers Allah through dhikr to truly love and follow the Prophet's example. What is not optional, however, is professing one’s faith in him and maintaining an unshakeable belief that he is the final messenger of Allah. Every human being of sound intellect should be aware of this distinction, which is the demarcation line between being a Muslim and being a disbeliever.

When people complain about their families and homes, scholars often ask them how much they engage in dhikr. In conclusion, the inception point for success in perfecting our family life, as with success in any worthy endeavor, falls squarely in the domain of following in the footsteps of Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam). Let us start this transformation with ourselves and strive to implement the Prophet's teachings in our daily lives to take the first and most crucial steps towards creating a happy and loving environment in our homes.

His Household

The blessed household of the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam), who was sent as a mercy to the worlds, is beyond description. However, we can attempt to approximate a description with a few lines:

His blessed household was the most loving, peaceful, and caring of all homes on earth, past and future.

It was the house of prophethood, where angels frequently visited and Jibril (alayhissalam) brought revelations.

Its inhabitants were the Ahl al-Bayt, whom Allah the Exalted had created with unmatched purity. His wives were the mothers of the believers, by divine decree no less, and they were also the leaders of the women of Paradise.

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) was the epitome of grace, mercy, compassion, and affection.

“There has certainly come to you a Messenger from among yourselves. Grievous to him is what you suffer; (he is) concerned over you (i.e., your guidance) and to the believers is kind and merciful.” (At-Tawbah, 128)

Expectations and Realities

Our expectations in life affect not only us but also our homes, spouses, and children. It would be beneficial to step back from the dominant culture's manipulation of our outlook on life and focus on the truth of our situation.

First, let us acknowledge that the world is not our eternal home but rather a temporary dwelling on the journey to eternity.

"Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children - like the example of a rain whose (resulting) plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries, and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion." (Al-Hadid, 20)

"Give them the example of the worldly life; it is like water We sent down from the sky, then the vegetation of the earth was mingled with it, and then it turned into chaff that is blown by the winds, and Allah is powerful over everything." (Al-Kahf, 45)

We can compare worldly life to a crossroads leading to either Heaven or Hell. We are all travelers, and at the crossroads, some turn one way, while others go down another. But no one stays at the crossroads forever, as the destination is the Hereafter. Therefore, we must remember that we are merely travelers and adjust our expectations and demands accordingly.

Our Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) expressed his attitude towards the world as follows:

"My interest in the world is like that of a traveler who comes across a tree on his way, takes shelter in its shade at noon to rest, and then resumes his journey."

He did not enjoy living in pleasure and luxury. He discouraged others from indulging in pleasures, as it would lead to neglecting their primary duties.

Let us consider that he was a prophet, a human being who was chosen by Allah Almighty, elevated to the highest levels of morals and servitude, and made the most exalted of all creation by Him as His servant with the highest calling. In contrast, we are weak servants who are prone to all kinds of temptations from the nafs and shaytan, especially in this modern era in which such temptations are increased exponentially and are much more widely available than before.

We must understand that while our nafs demands the comforts of pleasure and bodily desires, our soul craves something else—the paradisiacal atmosphere of the Hereafter. Physical pleasures do not bring lasting happiness to the soul, and despite all the distractions, it remains restless. Many people suffer from a loss of meaning, emptiness, and dissatisfaction despite resorting to every method to fill that void with instant gratification. This dissonance between what their base desires dictate and what the more sublime aspect of their human existence, their soul, yearns for has become a widespread phenomenon. Consequently, psychologists are struggling to keep up with the rising demand for counseling services to reconcile the disconnection between these people’s expectations going through life with this detached, materialistic outlook and the reality of their true loss, which continues to deepen as long as it remains unaddressed.

A Need for Balance

Another point for consideration is that, whether you view Islam from a purely fiqh-based perspective or an in-depth tasawwuf-oriented one, it does not require its followers to abandon the world and live a life of self-deprivation or isolation. Instead, it encourages them to work, secure their financial stability, acquire property, and settle down, as long as it is done within the halal framework. When one focuses their intentions on pleasing Allah and serving the believers with their every effort, even material gains and actions leading to such gains are considered worship.

It is important to find a balance between the worldly life and the Hereafter. Believers must not neglect one for the other but instead strive for both in moderation.

Allah reminds us in the Quran to look to the Hereafter while not forgetting our share in this world. “But seek, through that which Allah has given you, the home of the Hereafter; and [yet], do not forget your share of the world.” (Al-Qasas, 77)

The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) emphasized the importance of balancing both worlds rather than abandoning one for the other: “The best of you are not those who leave the world for the Hereafter and the Hereafter for the world. The best of you is the one who has enough of both.” It is essential to have a balanced view of the world in order to avoid wasting our lives on unrealistic goals.

Redesigning the way we view the world by embracing a moderate approach, as described in the ayah and hadith above, will not only allow us to heal our inner world and our family life but also save us from the unnecessary psychological duress of wasting our lives by chasing after impossible dreams.

A Wide Heart Makes for a Wide Home

Looking at the example of our Prophet’s (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) family, we see that his blessed wives invested in the eternal home of Paradise rather than endless material possessions. The Companions also recognized that this world is temporary and that true happiness lies in the Hereafter. They proved time and again through example that real happiness in this world can only be achieved through the worship and remembrance of Allah.

When one's sole purpose is the world, and one's sole pursuit is wealth, patience and gratitude become a mere afterthought beneath all the clash and clamor that saturates every moment of the life of homo economicus. Sadly, this is the state of affairs in our time. It is a status quo foisted upon billions to condition them into conforming to this fabricated reality. The disruption of peace in our homes due to material dissatisfaction and the pursuit of happiness solely through possessions and comfort all stem from this artificial layer grafted onto our natural mental constitution.

Many of us still possess fond memories of our childhood, even if we grew up in a humble family with limited income. Despite lacking material abundance, we often remember the peaceful, heartwarming moments we shared with our siblings and parents in those halcyonian days of our jubilant youth. This signifies that tranquility and happiness are not contingent upon material abundance but rather on the vastness of the heart. Expanding one’s heart to subsume all the joys of being blessed with a loving family entails enduring material difficulties and hardships with patience, showing gratitude for the blessings of Allah, and maintaining contentment.

We must remember that true peace and happiness do not come from material possessions but from a contented heart. Wealth is a test that requires gratitude and generosity, while poverty is a test that requires patience and contentment. No matter what status we possess or what shape we are in socioeconomically, we must always remember that we are servants of Allah and continue our worship.

Sin and rebellion are darknesses that poison our souls, destroy peace, and suffocate us. Seeking pleasure in haram and raising the flag of rebellion due to the smallest of hardships is a cruelty to ourselves and our loved ones and destroys the peace and happiness we work so painstakingly to build in our homes. We must look within ourselves to understand why discord and distress dwell in the fabric of our homes and create an unstable environment for us and our loved ones.

As Shaykh Abdullah Dihlawi, the murshid of Mawlana Khalid Al-Baghdadi (quddisa sirruhuma), said: "Where there is egoism, there is hell." We must let go of our ego and strive for balance in our hearts, homes, and lives to find true peace and happiness.

Endless Debates and Children

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) never argued or scolded his wives. He didn’t mistreat or hurt them, nor did he ever act in anger, let alone hit or curse them. However, that does not mean he was unconcerned about raising a conscientious awareness in those around him, as he made every effort to ensure his followers and family fulfilled Allah's commands and avoided everything He forbade. He warned his family members to abide by this principle more than anyone else or any other group under his guidance. As a result, his household was in accordance with the Shariah, and the warm glow of peace and happiness filled their shared space at all times.

The main cause of the most common form of unrest that has gripped society almost like a pathological problem is often the anger and rage rooted in the savage nature of the nafs. When a moment of trial fans the flames of anger, people tend to lose control of their words, behaviors, and actions. The primary source of these outbursts is the nafs. When the nafs meets resistance or encounters obstacles, its first reaction is usually to give in to aggressive urges and take on a belligerent disposition. Therefore, it's essential to remember that the greatest and worthiest struggle of patience is the one waged against the nafs, especially when its violent impulses begin to emerge.

We should always refrain from anger and approach everyone, especially children, with kindness. Treating others with kindness and gentleness is a fundamental element of Islamic ethics. It's a cruel and monstrous act to strike a child who has no strength to fight back.

A mother beating her child, while the child clings to her skirt and cries for her, is a terrible, heartwrenching cruelty that no one can bear the sight of without feeling a pang of pity. A believer whose heart has been sensitized and softened by iman cannot hit those weaker than them in a moment of rage.

Our Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) never spoke to children in the imperative tense, such as "do it," "bring it," or "take it." Nor did he ever shout at them. Instead, he would either pick them up or squat down to hold them at eye level when interacting with them.

We have a lot to learn about how to treat each other, but if we look for the right framework in the wrong place, we will never find it. So, let us remember:

“There is indeed a good model for you in the Messenger of Allah for the one who has hope in Allah and the Hereafter, and remembers Allah profusely.” (Al-Ahzab, 21)

Siraceddin Önlüler